Not Enough: Is love ever enough? (The Enough Series Book 1) Read online

  Jeremy takes a picture of Alex, Gabe, and I before switching places with Alex. I imagine this is what prom would have felt like if we had ever attended one. J and I never had the money to attend formal dances in high school. We always stayed home and threw a party of our own. That was one of the few benefits to being on our own from the ages of fourteen and fifteen.

  “J what are you doing here,” I ask out of curiosity. I had no idea he was coming. As he starts to answer, another knock comes, and every nerve in my body lights up simultaneously. Gabe closed down the shop this afternoon for our little get ready party so it has to be Austin this time.

  My palms are suddenly sweating, butterflies are doing somersaults in my stomach, and my knees feel weak. Jeremy notices the change in my demeanor and asks everyone to give us a moment. I need to compose myself and a few minutes alone with J should do the trick.

  “Rylee Ash,” he takes a deep breath, “I am going to say something to you I should have said a long time ago.” He guides me over to one of the stools, forces me to sit, and stares directly into my eyes.

  He places both of his hands on my shoulders and gives me an encouraging smile. “You are too good for what Ryan did to you, but more importantly you are too strong to continue to let him dictate your life. I will never tell you who to date, but I can tell Austin has been good for you.”

  I know this must be hard for J. He has never been good with emotions not since our parents died, and we were forced to fight our own conflicting emotions following their deaths. The only emotion we trusted was the bond between us, which is why this means so much. J and I fought the system and were left in the care of our senile grandmother after their deaths. This rendered us on our own. We learned how not to depend on other people. We only had each other.

  I recognize Austin has been good for me. I was living in a shell of existence before he came along and forced me to re-engage with the world. We do everything together from grocery shopping and dinners out to hiking and fishing. Admittedly, I don't like the fishing but I don't think he cares for the pedicures he gets weekly just to hang out with me either.

  Austin has shown me how to smile again and I am afraid he has also shown me how to fall in love again, despite my efforts against it. He has never pressed his agenda yet I always look forward to the next time we will be together. Well, that is until now—now I am terrified.

  I stare into the eyes that reflect my own, “J, I can’t. Not again.” I try to fight back the tears threatening to ruin my make-up.

  This is why he is here; he knew I would panic when reality set in. “Ry, love is impervious to your will. If it is meant to be it will be.”

  With that, he pulls me into his signature big brother hug that has an immediate calming effect. It is moments like this that I hate how well he knows me. I know I am falling for Austin but I refuse to admit it. That is why tonight is so scary. I won’t be able to hide when I am forced to spend the night in his arms, the one place I can envision calling home.

  I hold on to my big brother while I try to regain my composure and control the war waging between my heart and my mind. J tilts my head back up, “No matter what you choose Ry, I will always be here. You will always have a safety net.”

  I nod and give him a small smile, “I love you J and thank you. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “And you never will. Let’s go show that pretty boy QB just how incredibly lucky he is tonight.” I can’t help chuckling at Jeremy calling Austin a pretty boy because heaven knows he is just as pretty.

  Once I am stable on my feet, Jeremy gives me his arm and we walk into the front of the shop where the others are waiting. Austin has his back to me when we enter but as the conversation wanes and all eyes turn to us, he turns. Our eyes meet and the rest of the room fades away as I read the variety of emotions in his deep blue eyes. Surprise, appreciation, lust, and if I am not mistaken love flicker across his features.

  The air is charged with our unspoken wants and desires as we stand and admire one another. He looks stunning in his tuxedo that is perfectly tailored to his physique. He went with a wide silver tie that seamlessly complements my dress. His hair is an expertly styled mess that makes me want to run my fingers through it while screaming his name. He is just about as close to perfection as a man can get and he is stalking towards me.

  I take a deep breath and try to remind myself that we are friends and one night will not change that. The hardest part for me is that my resolve is beginning to crumble. The way he is looking at me right now could be the shot that shatters the fortress around my heart.

  Austin crosses the room in a few strides and now stands a breath away. We stare into each other’s eyes communicating without words. The air is heavy with expectation when he finally breaks the silence. “Hi.” It comes out just above a whisper.

  “Hi,” I return, breathless from the sexual tension.

  He gracefully slides my hand into his and lifts it to his lips placing a delicate kiss on my knuckles. “Rylee, I do not have the words to tell you how incredible you look. You are beautiful.”

  The fire in his eyes tells me he means every word and my heart skips a beat. “You are smoking hot yourself Aus. Are we ready to do it?”

  He raises an eyebrow questioningly and I realize what I said. “I mean, uh, I mean are you ready to go?” He laughs. Thankfully, I cut through the palpable tension albeit inadvertently.

  Taking my arm into his he leans down and whispers in my ear. “We can do anything your heart desires baby.” His emphasis on the word ‘do’ is a subtle reminder he is open to more, if only that were possible. My body tingles with desire from his breath and touch on my hyperaware skin.

  After Gabe takes a few pictures of Austin and me, we are ready to go. Gabe wraps a beautiful silver shawl around my shoulders, Austin takes my hand, and we head out the door of Fique's. I am surprised to see a limo parked at the curb and I glance at Austin curiously. “I thought you deserved the best. Now quit worrying and let’s go have some fun,” he says with a nonchalant shrug.

  The driver opens the door and Austin helps me in the car. I slide clear across the black leather bench seat hoping to put a little distance between us. Disregarding my attempt at space Austin slides in next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. The feel of him next to me and the pull of my heartstrings are making it hard to keep my head on straight.

  I have never felt as uncomfortable around Austin as I do right now. He seems at peace with the silence with between us as he holds me close. When the car pulls out into traffic, I stare out the window trying to come up with something to say to ease the tension in my chest.

  Lost in my thoughts Austin nudges me and hands me a drink, “Here you look like you could use this.” His face is filled with concern and I twist with anguish, this is supposed to be a fun evening and my inner demons are ruining it. Taking the drink, I down it in one gulp and the amber liquid burns its way down my throat, “Thank you.”

  My eyes start to fill with tears and I can no longer contain my emotions. I would like to say I don’t know why tonight is affecting me so dramatically, but I do. This is the first time, since Ryan, that I truly feel something and it scares the hell out of me.

  I am not only afraid of being hurt or rejected but of also not being enough. Not being good enough for Austin, not being good enough to exist in his world, not being enough, those are the words that haunt me. Not only was I not enough for Ryan, Jeremy and I were not enough for our parents, a point they drove home repeatedly before their deaths. My head is spinning with self-doubt.

  Dropping my head in my hands I try to find my composure and continue to fail miserably until Austin lifts my head up forcing me to meet his eyes. “Rylee, are you ok? We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to go.” The worry and adoration in his eyes almost send me spiraling out of control.

  I look away taking a deep breath to steady myself, “No, I want to go. I…. I am sorry. I am just having an unfortunate moment.” The
worry etched in his face tells me he does not believe me. He can read me as well as anyone so lying to him is not an option.

  Trying to push aside my whirling thoughts, I focus on the man in front of me. I turn my body so I am out from under his arm and can face him. Leaning back on the door I take a deep breath so I can try to salvage the night I have almost ruined before it had a chance to begin.

  I take Austin’s hands into my own and meet his compassionate stare with one of my own. “Austin. Ok. First, I am sorry for this meltdown.” He shakes his head and squeezes my hand in support. “I never really explained why I refuse to date but tonight those reasons are haunting me.”

  Lacing his fingers through mine, “Ry, this isn’t a date, and it doesn’t change anything between us. I will be whatever you want me to be. If you want to be friends then we are friends. If you ever want more, I am available but I will never push you. You know that right?”

  I nod showing I understand and continue staring into those mesmerizing blue eyes that so clearly adore me. This is the reason am struggling, Austin is perfect, he is willing to be friends despite his feelings. Why couldn’t I have met him before Ryan ruined my heart? Why did I trust Ryan to repair the damage my parents inflicted?

  “I know Aus. You are so amazing that I am fighting myself. My mind is saying one thing and my heart another. Add to that the sage wisdom imparted on me by my big brother and I am a mess. You don’t deserve any of this and I am so sorry. I am not good enough for someone like you.”

  Anger flashes across his face as rage erupts in his eyes. “You aren’t good enough for me? What the hell does that mean Ry?” He pulls his hands from mine running them through his hair and I tremble.

  “Aus, I wasn’t trying to upset you. I was just trying to explain. I am sorry.” His face softens, and he regains hold of my hands pulling them to his chest forcing me to lean forward off the door.

  “You are right Ry, I don’t know what is in your past, and maybe that is a conversation we need to have. But, what I do know is that you are beautiful, smart, funny, and way too good for me. Hell, in my opinion, you are too good for anyone. So please never demean yourself like that to me. We all have a past and mine isn’t pretty either. The only difference between the two of us is that I am choosing not to let my past define my future.”

  Austin is right, but it still hurts me to hear those words from him. I need to figure how out to let the pain of my past go. There will never be a better reason than the beautiful man sitting next to me.

  “You are right Austin my past is defining my future and I need to figure that out. I never felt the need to confront the skeletons in my closet until you walked into my life. I’m not even sure where to start other than to admit it scares the hell out of me.” The truth is, I have no clue how to confront my past. I’ve spent so much time running and hiding from it, that is all I know how to do.

  Austin wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his lap where I immediately find comfort. “I don’t know where you start either but I can tell you I will be there every step. J and Bode will be there too, you can count on that. So let’s start by having a good time tonight and let the past be damned.”

  Taking a deep breath with my face buried in his neck, I can smell all things Austin. It is a mix of body wash and pure man. A smell I cannot get enough of and brings me to my knees. I lean back looking into his eyes and cannot help smiling. “Yeah, let the past be damned. Let’s party,” I say with renewed enthusiasm.

  The rest of the drive to the hotel in Copley Square is filled with laughter and light-hearted banter. I can do this, I can do fun. I will find a way through all the baggage in my head another day. Austin is worth the effort and so much more.

  Chapter 9

  Arriving at the hotel we wait as the driver comes around to open the door. I can see there are a few members of the press outside the velvet ropes lining the red carpet below the historic red awning.

  As the door opens Austin steps out, straightens his jacket, and turns to help me out. I can already see a few flashes as the press take pictures of Austin, Boston’s new favorite son. I take his hand and step out careful to steady myself on my heels before attempting anything further.

  Once I am solid on my feet, we turn toward the doors and I am enveloped in Austin’s arm as he plants a sweet kiss on my cheek. “Past be damned,” he whispers in my ear and we stop to pose for a few photos before heading inside.

  I am in awe of the classic luxury and old world charm the lobby radiates. There are gold chandeliers hanging from the fourteen-foot ceiling over the marble floor with red and gold furnishings. We continue through the lobby following the signs to the Grand Ballroom.

  The Ballroom is decorated to accentuate the Monte Carlo theme with game tables spread throughout the room. The dining tables are covered in red tablecloths and the chairs don black covers. The lighting is subtle and has a casino effect. A dealer dressed in the traditional black and white outfit, black pants, black vest, and white button down shirt staffs each game table.

  All proceeds tonight are benefiting underprivileged children in the Greater Boston area. As we make our way toward our table, numerous people congratulating Austin on a great season stop us. I stand dutifully next to Austin and smile as he introduces me to each one of them.

  I remember him telling me when we first met that everyone wants the “Super Bowl MVP Austin Black,” and he is right. Every person has asked about the Super Bowl or the upcoming season or his arm, not once has anyone asked about Austin. I would hate to see how they treat him if he hadn't won the Super Bowl or worse had a bad season.

  However, Austin, being the gentleman he is, answers every question and poses for a few pictures. We have been here nearly thirty minutes and we have yet to make it to our table.

  When Austin is pulled into yet another football conversation I excuse myself and head over to the bar to grab us drinks. I find an open seat near the end and wait for the bartender to make his way to my end of the bar. While waiting I pull out my phone and scroll through social media catching up on the day’s events. Then a petite woman slides into the space next to me.

  I smile as she bumps into me and asks, “So you are here with Austin Black right?”

  My smile fades as I wonder who this small brunette woman is. Then she continues to talk, “I’m sorry that was rude. I love Austin and I am just happy to see him out with someone for once. I am Bella Dawson, I am married to Cardie.”

  Cardie is Austin’s number one receiver and a true friend to him. Bella is a beautiful woman with delicate features and short brown hair. She has on a stunning silver gown and the most genuine smile I have ever seen. She must be nearly a foot shorter than me. I have to lean down to answer her, “Hi I am Rylee Ash, and yes I am here with Austin. We are just friends though.”

  I see the flash of disappointment in her face as she registers the just friends part, but she continues to smile as the bartender makes his way to us. He is a good-looking guy with long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. “What can I get you ladies,” he asks in a deep masculine voice.

  Bella orders a martini and whisky on the rocks, presumably for Cardie, before I order vodka seven and a whisky on the rocks for Austin. We look at each other and laugh. “What is it with boys and their whisky,” I ask.

  “You said your last name is Ash, is that any relation to Jeremy,” she asks and seems genuinely interested.

  “Yeah, he is my older brother.”

  She laughs, “So you are playing for both teams then huh. How does that work when they play each other?” I pause not sure how to answer that question because I never even considered it. I suppose I should have since they are in the same division and will be playing each other twice a year.

  The season is still months away so I brush it off for now. “I guess I will just have to get one of those jerseys that are made of two halves. You know half for the each of them,” I say with a smirk.

  That earns me a full laugh, and she returns, “Well
Miss Ash I believe I like you.” I am not sure what to say to that so I just smile.

  I cannot help asking, “So have you been to many of these events?”

  She lets out a small breath, “Yeah, we attend a few per year but not nearly as many as Austin. Cardie says he attends at least one a month during the off-season.”

  Huh, I did not know Austin frequented these events but with his standing in Boston, I suppose it isn’t that surprising. “And he attends all of these events alone,” I ask because it has been bothering me since she mentioned it.

  She smiles, “Girl you are the first woman we have seen Austin with since he came to Boston.” And there it is she just confirmed my fear Austin treats me differently than any other woman in his life. Well, that is if there are any other women in his life and I doubt there are.

  Bella and I end up talking for the next ten minutes giving us enough time to need a refill on our drinks. I find that I enjoy Bella’s company because she is easy to talk to and quite spunky. Just as our next round arrives, Cardie walks up wrapping his arms around Bella. He has to practically kneel to reach her since he is nearly six foot four and she couldn’t be more than five foot eight even with her heels.

  Cardie is the picture of an All-Pro receiver. He is tall, lean, muscular, and fast as hell. He wears diamond stud earrings, and a perfectly tailored suit with his dreads pulled back. They make an adorable couple and the love is palpable between them.

  “Cardie, stop your groping and meet Rylee Ash, Austin’s date.”

  He looks at me quizzically before looking back down at her, “Austin has a date?” She nods and smiles.

  “Well then Rylee it is most definitely my pleasure,” he says to me as he extends his hand.

  “It is a pleasure to meet you as well Mr. Dawson.” I stop to take a drink and turn to see Austin remains surrounded. He glances my way, I smile holding up his drink, and he nods his head indicating he could use the drink.